Boromir the One Man Band
by elfchicks
Summary: This is a comedic view of the Departure of Boromir in which Boromir, the one-man band, does not really die.


**Boromir the Band**

_James and Saraman_

This story takes place after the Fellowship left Loth-lorien and traveled down the river Anduin in canoes. When they reached the Falls of Rauros, they were forced to put to shore and set up camp. There, they had to make a final decision about their destination. Boromir wanted to go to the city of Minas Tirith, but Frodo knew he had to destroy the Ring, and was growing suspicious of Boromir's intent. The hobbit went off into the forest to come to a decision. While he was thinking, Boromir found him in the woods and attempted to take the Ring from him. Frodo put the Weapon of the Enemy on and disappeared. Boromir returned to camp, but Frodo was nowhere to be found. The Company split up to search for him, and that is when they were suddenly set upon by a horde of Uruk-hai.

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Boromir was striding through the forest, looking for Frodo, when he heard the cries for help from Merry and Pippin. He ran into a clearing and found the hobbits surrounded by attacking Uruk-hai. He stepped forward, grasping his sword. They all rushed for him at once. Merry and Pippin picked up rocks and threw them at the Uruks (though it did little good). Boromir become conscious of the fact that the Uruks were too many, so he decided to call for aid. He took out his kazoo and started playing the (hated) Barney theme song.

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Aragorn heard the noise from where he was fighting the orcs in another area of the woods.

"What the—?"

He paused for a moment and then went back to fighting. However, after hearing the awful tune four times, he ran through the forest to find out what the noise was.

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When his kazoo playing brought no aid, Boromir grabbed the trumpet from his pack and started playing Reveille. Snarling at hearing the unpleasant tune, the Uruks bore down on the struggling warrior. Boromir brought his trumpet down on an Uruk's head with a splintering crash, smashing the instrument flat.

He decided to use the grand piano that he always bore on his back to call for help again. It was very difficult to remove it from his back, for it was quite large and heavy and a multitude of Uruks was charging at him at once. He could not get it off his back, so he decided to get out his xylophone. He started playing "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star."

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While he was playing this, Aragorn was growing very confused. He quickened his pace.

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When this brought no aid, Boromir was nearly surrounded.

The Uruks halted, staring confusedly at him.

"What's the scum doing?" they grunted to each other. Suddenly, Boromir charged at the line of Orcs. When he reached them, he started waving his plastic sword wildly about. Some Uruks charged at him from behind, but Boromir turned quickly about to face them.

"Thought you could sneak up on me, did ya, ya stupid Orcs?"

Unfortunately, for the Uruks that were behind him, he whipped around so quickly that they did not have time to get out of the way of the swinging grand piano on his back. He took out at least twenty-seven Uruks on his way around. They all fell to the ground, unconscious.

The remaining Uruks charged angrily at him. Boromir charged angrily at them. They were a mere five feet from meeting when Boromir slipped on some leaves and flew up into the air. His landing squashed three Uruks, but he was now lying on his back, pinned to the ground by the heavy weight of the grand piano. Boromir, who was a big wuss, was quite frightened.

"Mommy!" he started sobbing. "I don't wanna die!" The Uruks all rolled their eyes.

Out from behind a clump of trees came the Uruk leader, Lurtz, carrying a small bow. He leered about and spotted Boromir lying on his grand piano, crying like a baby. He snarled evilly to himself and drew out an arrow from his quiver. Putting it to the string, he quickly aimed and loosed the arrow. It hit Boromir in the chest.

"AUGHHHH!" yelled Boromir. "Mommy! I mean _Daddy_! Help me!"

Lurtz wanted very badly to shut Boromir up because he was getting a bit annoyed. Therefore, he shot Boromir again…and again.

"Grab the Halflings!" ordered Lurtz. "Let's get outta here!" With that, the Uruks threw Merry and Pippin over their shoulders and carried the struggling Hobbits out of sight.

"Look what you've done, you big bullies!" they wailed. Lurtz, however, stayed to finish Boromir off. He approached Boromir and aimed an arrow for his head. Releasing the dart, it hit Boromir in the forehead and the great warrior knew no more.

Suddenly, Aragorn crashed through the trees into the clearing. Seeing what had happened, he charged at Lurtz, his sword at the ready. Lurtz threw down his bow and pulled out his crooked scimitar. All at once, Aragorn dove at the Uruk's feet and, with a cry of "Elendil," he poked Lurtz in the big toe with his long plastic blade.

"Yow!" cried Lurtz, jumping up and down holding his toe. "Saruman!" With that, he hopped out of the clearing and through the woods back to join his company, shrieking like I know not what the entire way.

Aragorn ran to Boromir's side.

"Boromir!" he said, noting the many arrows. "Oh no!" He sat down and started pulling all the plunger arrows off Boromir, who was still unconscious. At that moment, Legolas and Gimli came running out of the trees. Seeing what had happened, they stared in disbelief.

"Boromir!" said Legolas. "Is he—?"

"He is dead," said Aragorn, a look of remorse in his eyes. "I should have been here when I first heard the Kazoo of Gondor playing. They will look for his coming from the White Tower, but he will not return."

"We should give him a proper burial," said Legolas, laying a hand on Aragorn's shoulder. "A quick jaunt down the waterfall in a canoe should do. Help me free him from the piano and instruments."

Using their plastic knives, they cut the straps that held Boromir to the piano. Gimli helped them carry him to the boats. There, they laid him in a canoe and sent him down river. Legolas played the funeral march on Boromir's piano as he went.

Boromir had been having a splendid dream about stealing the Ring from Frodo when, all of a sudden, he jerked awake. Looking around, he saw where he was and noted that he was headed for an extremely large and treacherous waterfall.

"AHHHHHHH!" he shrieked. "You idiots! You were trying to get rid of me all along, weren't you?" The others were astonished to see him sit up in the canoe. Then, their mouths dropped open as they saw him shout at them from the boat.

Boromir plunged down the falls, shouting and cursing the entire way. By some miracle, his canoe made it down intact.

"I'll get them for this some day," muttered Boromir under his breath. Seizing a paddle, he rowed back to Gondor.

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"An unfortunate incident, wouldn't you say, Aragorn?" questioned Legolas.

"Indeed," replied the ranger, dolefully. "I won't tell Denethor if you won't."

**Finis**


End file.
